10 commandments to driving in India
This cow is actually doing lane driving
If you, too, want to drive around India and don’t happen to be native, be sure to follow this guide to the T and you’ll be absolutely fine.
1. You shall rely on the honks
If you’ve ever been to India, you’ll know about the honking. The deafening, maddening, incessant honking. Well, after several years of driving around I can tell you that honking has become my best, reliable source of information on what’s about to happen. As a matter of fact, I wish more things had honks on them, like cows. Other drivers will honk to let you know they’re coming and it’s only courteous to do the same. DO NOT rely on your indicators, no one looks at them and you’ll be considered in your wrong if you’ve only used an indicator and not honked as your overtake/cross etc.
2. You shall focus on what’s in front
Always. Look. In. Front
The implicit deal is that your responsibility is to figure out what’s going on in front of you and not to crash into anything. In a way, that makes sense, because insurance-wise and legally speaking you’re only really liable for not crashing into anything (always be in control of your vehicle) so technically speaking whatever happens behind you is the responsibility of the guy behind. Which is also why it’s so important to honk as many don’t really bother to check their mirrors. A few days ago, actually, I saw a biker who had turned both his mirrors inwards so he could see himself while driving.
3. If you can physically fit, you shall go
In Hindi, it’s called ‘jugaad,’ or ‘quick-fix.’ There’s so much construction going on that the rules are forever changing, not that we really followed the rules in the first place anyways. So generally speaking, if you’re in doubt but your car can physically fit, you can go. Sometimes you’ll find that even those who can’t fit go.
4. You shall assume there are cows on the road
Or buffaloes. Or donkeys. Or dogs. Oh, and potholes, lots of potholes. Oh, and (last one I promise) gigantic man-made speed bumps.
5. You shall assume that this person will cross right in front of you
3. If you can physically fit, you shall go
In Hindi, it’s called ‘jugaad,’ or ‘quick-fix.’ There’s so much construction going on that the rules are forever changing, not that we really followed the rules in the first place anyways. So generally speaking, if you’re in doubt but your car can physically fit, you can go. Sometimes you’ll find that even those who can’t fit go.
4. You shall assume there are cows on the road
Or buffaloes. Or donkeys. Or dogs. Oh, and potholes, lots of potholes. Oh, and (last one I promise) gigantic man-made speed bumps.
5. You shall assume that this person will cross right in front of you
Will it cross? Will it?
Because they usually do. But the amazing thing is that they cross slowly. And this is genius. It really is because as a driver, it’s much easier to read someone walking slowly between cars than someone running across. The same goes for cows and donkeys. Unfortunately, dogs tend to leap across and they’re the most common roadkill.
6. You shall drive in the middle of two lanes
Basically, because of the above. If you’re in the middle of two lines you can a) better anticipate anyone or anything that suddenly crosses the road and b) swerve left or right, as need be, when you spot the potholes. Or the speed bumps. Or the cows. You get it.
7. You shall put the full beam on, all the time
First of all, road lighting tends to be very poor if it is there at all. Secondly, all the above. Technically you should lower them if someone else is coming your way, and the good news is that some decent folks do. When they don’t I am always very, very tempted to also put the lights on full beam but two blind people is always worse than one.
8. You shall carry too many people with you
In my case it’s dogs. Always carry too many dogs.
9. You shall park wherever suits you
It doesn’t matter if there is a proper parking place just 10 metres down the road if you want to buy something from the shop that happens to be on the narrowest part of the road just stop there and hop off. You may even want to have a chai (tea) and some samosa. You can even disappear and someone will come and find you. (I really don’t know how it’s possible but even with a car in the middle of nowhere someone will always know exactly where the driver is). If there’s too much honking just walk out looking everything is perfectly normal.
10. You shall always keep calm
And because all of this is normal, you shall always act casual.
PS - This is for a humorous purpose only.
PPS - Although I may have found it useful had I been given this guide before I started driving around.
6. You shall drive in the middle of two lanes
Basically, because of the above. If you’re in the middle of two lines you can a) better anticipate anyone or anything that suddenly crosses the road and b) swerve left or right, as need be, when you spot the potholes. Or the speed bumps. Or the cows. You get it.
7. You shall put the full beam on, all the time
First of all, road lighting tends to be very poor if it is there at all. Secondly, all the above. Technically you should lower them if someone else is coming your way, and the good news is that some decent folks do. When they don’t I am always very, very tempted to also put the lights on full beam but two blind people is always worse than one.
8. You shall carry too many people with you
In my case it’s dogs. Always carry too many dogs.
9. You shall park wherever suits you
It doesn’t matter if there is a proper parking place just 10 metres down the road if you want to buy something from the shop that happens to be on the narrowest part of the road just stop there and hop off. You may even want to have a chai (tea) and some samosa. You can even disappear and someone will come and find you. (I really don’t know how it’s possible but even with a car in the middle of nowhere someone will always know exactly where the driver is). If there’s too much honking just walk out looking everything is perfectly normal.
10. You shall always keep calm
And because all of this is normal, you shall always act casual.
PS - This is for a humorous purpose only.
PPS - Although I may have found it useful had I been given this guide before I started driving around.
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